and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
