I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so let's talk penis.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
