her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize