Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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