How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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