I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
