mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
