I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so let's talk penis.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
