Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
