I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
