I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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