I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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