didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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