haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Did I show you my penis last night?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
