she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
