Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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