Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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