Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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