you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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