I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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