I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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