just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
