Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
