YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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