I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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