i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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