I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
