I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
