I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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