I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
