I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
