my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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