i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
