One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
