I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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