i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
