birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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