I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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