Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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