i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
