I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
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At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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