I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
