At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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