I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
