so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
