if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
