I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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