i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
