I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
