My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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