watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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