I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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