Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
