Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
