dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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