Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
